I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. -Psalm 119:11
By WENDY POPE
“But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations.” Psalm 33:11 (NIV)
Growing up, I had a set plan for my life. Get good grades. Become an elementary school teacher. Marry the cute guy with the cool car. Have babies.
My dreams came to pass, except one — a house full of children.
No matter how many tests I took, needles I got stuck with or remedies I tried, I could not get pregnant.
The desire to be a mother consumed my thoughts. Why can’t I get pregnant? What is wrong with me? What have I done to warrant such punishment from God? My girlfriends were getting pregnant. That just didn’t seem fair, so I determined that God wasn’t fair.
I began to decline invitations to the multitude of blue-and-pink parties. My husband and I purposely socialized with friends who were not expecting or didn’t have children. However, avoiding pregnant friends did not ease my pain or subdue my longing.
Trying harder didn’t help either. For two years, we endured infertility testing, but noone could explain why I was unable to conceive.
Medically, I was doing everything right; spiritually, I was not. The wait exhausted my faith. Resolving that God was mad at me, I was furious with Him. Maybe you can relate?
We have our plans and want our way. When things don’t happen accordingly, we retaliate by ignoring God. I felt this way for more than two years as the object of my desire became greater than the Person of my faith.
Struggling with infertility can take you down some winding roads full of dark thoughts and bumpy emotions. Without constant awareness of my need to allow truth to steer me, I could easily get lost wondering why God didn’t love me, assume He was punishing me or even question His ability to help.
Many of us face long delays in seeing the desires of our heart come to fruition. You may be waiting for a new job, a second chance at a relationship or a cure to poor health. Days, months, even years have passed without a glimmer of change. Questions of “when” and “why” fill your mind and heart.
Years went by before I eventually conceived my daughter. To be honest, I don’t have an exact answer now for why God asked me to wait to have children. But I do know what Psalm 33:11 shares with us, "But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations" (NIV).
The word “purposes” jumps out at me. In the dark moments of hurt, frustration, doubt and mistrust, I had to remind myself of who God is and what His purposes are.
God is wise, good and caring.
God’s purposes are right, loving and on time.
When you’re in the middle of a long wait, these truths feel difficult to believe. Even after having my two children, it’s taken me years to trust in God’s perfect timing and ways. In fact, I’m currently waiting on Him to heal my husband from a sickness he’s battled for the better part of 10 years. I don’t know if healing Scott is part of the Lord’s purposes, but I do trust that whatever happens, God is wise, good, caring, right, loving and right-on-time.
Sometimes the wait is more about experiencing God than enduring the delay. We can rest assured that in due time, He will bring to fruition all His designs and they will be good. As we continue on our journey, let’s remain open to lining up our plans with God’s and allowing His truth to steer our wishes.
Lord, waiting is hard. Forgive me for being impatient and trying to “help” work out things on my own. I truly want to focus on You rather than the object of my wait. I ask Your Spirit to calm my anxious heart as l learn to patiently wait on Your best for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen